6 Hours 10 Minutes!!!

I made a timeline for my readers, so you can see my history in an incredibly visual way.

Forget everything I said last night. I am exploding with excitement right now. 6 1/6 hours until I am free!

The last time I wasn't in school (not counting breaks) was when I was like 3. Back then, I used to chill all the time. I would watch cartoons, read picture books, and watch the big kids ride their bikes.

In six hours or so I am going to get right back to all that.

Until then, I'd better worry about trying to pass this silly test.

aLs

19 Hours

At 4:30 tomorrow I will depart the Law Student Universe.

At 4:30 tomorrow I shall arrive in The Quasi Purgatory Real World.

It's not the full real world because I'll be living off bar loans and attending Barbri sessions for the next 8 weeks.

I'm not excited like I thought I would be. Make no mistake, all I can think about is getting out of this town, but I just don't feel the excitement. There are so many things that I have to get done over the next week. I'm a little perplexed as to how I'm supposed to accomplish so much in so little time.

The last final in my way is a powerful one. It has the potential to destroy me, because I never paid attention and I only read every now and then. Yet, I have almost no fear. I've spent the day reading for it, petting my cats, and listening to music. Can aLs summon just a few more ounces of luck? Would the powers that be really let me fail my last final?

I think not.

aLs

Another Open Letter

An Open Letter To Anonymous Law Student From The Bar Exam


Dear Anonymous Law Student,


I am in receipt of your letter. I would like to congratulate you on finishing law school. The hand full of three hour exams that you were forced to take every 5 months were probably very challenging. It must have really helped that you had 4 months every semester to prepare for those contests of endurance.

Pay attention, I am no simple three hour exam. Nor will you have 4 months to leisurely prepare for me. I came into existence long before you were even a simple protein. Countless hordes of people have been turned away from their chosen profession because they could not withstand my terrible fury. I am Alpha and I am Omega, the beginning, and for many, the end.

Do you really think choosing to fight me in an easier State will help you? Have you considered that your failure will only sting more in a place that you were "guaranteed" to defeat me?

Enjoy spending $2000 on Barbri. Enjoy working day and night for 6 weeks to prepare for our time together. Enjoy it, because you'll be doing it again....and again....and again....until you are penniless, your friends and family have lost their faith in you, and you are weak with exhaustion, shame, and humiliation.

But hey, don't worry about it too much. You can tell yourself that the J.D. is a great degree. You're sure someone will hire you for something. You can just tell people that you realized that law wasn't for you. That you preferred a different kind of life. That you're the lucky one and all your old peers are the ones suffering. Yeah, you tell yourself that.

Eat Dirt,

The Bar Exam

An Open Letter

An Open Letter To The Bar Exam


Dear Bar Exam,

For the last three years I have known that you would be the final obstacle in the path to my freedom. I have been taught to fear and respect you. Some of my professors believe you are a necessary evil. Others whisper to me that you are an unconstitutional hazing ritual that The Bar forces on people to keep attorney salaries inflated and to ensure that the learned profession remains an elite one.

There have been times that I feared you. I have found myself short of breath just thinking about the consequences of being defeated by you when battle is finally joined in July. Like many successful Generals before me, I have even chosen my battleground State, partially because of optimistic passage scores.

The past three years I have trained to understand you, to get under your skin, and finally, to destroy you. However, that training will be nothing to regimen I shall soon undertake. I will sharpen my knowledge to a scalpel like precision. I will learn to strike at upwards of 15 issues in a mere 45 minutes. I will master the ancient art of timing bathroom breaks to match the appropriate break times I am given by the Tyrannical Bar Proctors.

Perhaps you believe that my confidence will be my downfall? You are wrong. I have seen the empty shells of the men and women that you have ravaged before me. I have watched egos come crashing down like once mighty oak trees. I would not be so foolish to underestimate your power.

But I refuse to fear you. Though I know that my success is not guaranteed, I plan on laying waste to everything you are. I will not attempt to merely pass you. No...I will try to injure you so deeply that your unborn children will bare the scars of your humiliation. From hence forth, those who look upon me shall see that while I may have been bloodied, I was clearly the victor.

And after that, I will join my peers in forcing you on the unfortunate graduates who attempt to enter my learned profession. You will be my partially brain dead guard dog that flings himself upon those he does not know. I will also kick you when I am angry. Yours will be a dirty life of servitude to me and my peers. My future is a bright one, but your future is full of sorrow and pain.

Sincerely,

Anonymous Law Student

I AM FREE I AM FREE I AM FREE!!!

I am blogging live from Family law. Isn't that exciting? I've been working at hard at staying Anonymous for the last three years, but I don't really care anymore.

Because today is the last day of law school, ever.

In 45 minutes I'm going to toast law school with my good buddies J and Studebaker.

Enjoy

What Album?

Three years ago (give or take a month) I left Alaska for law school. When I left town I had already planned out the first CD that I would listen to on my journey. I picked the album because I felt that the lyrics were incredible and for some reason it just connected with me really well.

The Band: Less Than Jake
Album: Hello Rockview

Below, are some of my favorite lyrics from Hello Rockview. As you're reading this, help me decide if I should play Hello Rockview as I roll out of town, or if I need a different album. These are just pieces of lyrics from the songs, not all the lyrics.

Song: Al's War

Tonight, he left the house and
walked to the waiting car outside.
Yea, somehow he thought they'd never understand.
That nothing lasts, and he just knows that time,
is just spinning by, and life, is passing him by so fast.

And sometimes I think,
I'm the only one who feels
like going nowhere's
like giving up.
Sometimes I think,
I'm the only one who feels like going.

Song: Help Save The Youth of America

And just outside, I can see my breath,
in between the words,
that fog my spinning head.
And I can see the sun coming up,
and its just light enough to see.

Another cigarette that I just lit,
as I passed the 53rd Street bridge.
Right now the world just seems too big,
the world just seems to big.

Sit down, remind me how,
this is the same old story
of growing up and getting lost.
Sit down, remind me how,
this is the same old story
of growing up and getting lost.

Song: Five State Drive

Got on the 47.
Transfer to the 89.
Left town, east-bound pass,
saw the city size.
You know its hard,
to leave your past behind,
as I pass the crummy bars,
and beat up cars,
nothing will change your mind.
By now, think I've found
Things changed just don't look
that way to me. Or it just looks
that way to me.
By now, think I've found
Things changed just look
re-arranged to me.
Never looked that way to me.

A Half-past 7,
now I'm on the 95.
Sick of malls, and alcohol
just passed the next state line.
I know its hard,
to leave your past behind,
as I think the corner creeps,
and dirty streets
nothing will change your mind.
There's no turning back this time.

Song: History of a Boring Town

Just talked to this girl,
used to live, yea, on my street. (woah-oh-oh)
After all these years you're here,
and you remember me. (woah-oh-oh)
She said her old boyfriend
packed up and headed back east.
But she always knew some day...
he would go.

She just got a new job
and she's down to her last. (woah-oh-oh)
So let's take a drink and never think, yea
here's to the past. (woah-oh-oh)
She said its so funny,
how life runs out so fast.
It's just another wasted day.

A boring life in a boring town
with the same old crowd. (woah-oh-oh)
When I used to say, that I'd never say
that I'm rotting here today. (woah-oh-oh)
With that same old crowd
thats always been around.
And I always thought I'd be
the first to go.

You really have to hear the album for the lyrics to sink in, but it's an incredible album. There are more songs I'd like to list, but the post is getting kind of long. So, if you have any suggestions, I'd be willing to listen.

aLs

Fear The Zompocolypse

The entire Zombologist community is full of excitement about the new research that we will be able to conduct on the inevitable zompocolypse. I want to learn how to use the valve mod tool so that I can reconstruct my neighborhood and test out the intricate safety plan I have developed. Truly, Left 4 Dead is one of the most important research tools to arrive on the Zombologist scene in years. We can only hope that it hasn't come too late.

Here are a few things that my research has recently confirmed:

1. Slathering yourself in bacon grease neither increases, nor decreases, your chances of being found by the violent zombie hordes.

2. A fully functional gas mask is probably your most important piece of equipment. Not only will this help protect you from the smoke produced by the fires burning out of control, but will also protect your eyes from zombie infected blood splatter.

3. Being in the presence of a pregnant women during the zompocolypse, unlike bacon goo, will increase your chances of horrible death by 47%.

4. My neighbor will be one of the first to die in the zompocolypse. However, it won't be the zombies that get him. I can't say more.



I will be graduating in less than 4 weeks. After graduation I will be moving south to State Z. The town I am moving to will increase my chances of perishing in a river of death that shall sweep across the land in a conflagration of zombie doom. A new safety plan will only help me so much. Perhaps in depth research can help my chances of survival. Who knows.

One of the worst things about the Zompocolypose: No coffee.

aLs

Not Everyone Can Be Reasonable

(Heston Cat)


My neighbor pulled a stunt this weekend. All day Friday, Saturday, and Sunday he had his stereo turned up to the maximum level. He wasn't home while the stereo was blaring out the unending heavy metal. He was probably on some sort of primordial jackass plane of existence where he recharges at least once a day.

I called the landlord and threatened to break the lease and also generally ranted at the answering machine (landlord doesn't answer the phone on weekends and I loves me some ranting at machines).

The music kept going; night crept up on the apartment complex. It became clear that his intention was to make everyone in the building miserable until he felt like coming back from the dimension of assholery and feces that he resides in when he is not in his human form on Earth. The police were called. The police banged on his door a few times, but when nobody answered, they shrugged and went on their way.

The landlord called me back this morning and told me that they had received complaints from four tenants and that they would be giving him a stern talkin' to. I let her know that he threatened me about a week and a half ago when I had a few friends over. Here's what happened.

Asshole Neighbor: "I CAN HEAR THE VIBRATIONS OF YOUR TV!"

aLs: "My TV isn't on. It's just me and a few guys having a conversation."

Asshole Neighbor: "I HAVE WORK AT 5AM!"

aLs: "Well I'm sorry, but we're already keeping our voices down. If you are so sensitive to sound, then you need to either purchase ear plugs or move into a home, because apartment buildings aren't totally soundproof."

Asshole Neighbor: (As he turned and left) "I'm going to fuckin' get your ass."

aLs: (In my most calm, curt voice) "Sounds good buddy. Oh by the way, why don't you go fuck yourself, you piece of shit, white trash hillbilly."

Before you feel empathy for him, I'd like to say that we really were being quiet. This neighbor complains about even the slightest sound. He gets upset when I walk around the apartment after 8PM. He'll start banging on the ceiling and calling the landlord to report me for noise violations. I believe the stunt he pulled this weekend was revenge for the perceived wrong from last week.

I'm so tired of living in apartment buildings. I always end up with loser neighbors that throw temper tantrums when they don't get their way. I'm also tired of landlords. I feel like I always have an adversarial relationship with them.



In NEW STATE, I will live in a house. I have no idea how nice of a house it will be. To cut down on costs I will be renting the house with my broheem. I'm really looking forward to it actually. We haven't lived together since I left home for college almost a decade ago.

Good times. Good times.

aLs

The Phrase Game

My Senioritis has grown more powerful.

My friends and I have come up with a new game to play in class. I have decided to call it The Phrase Game. The rules are simple. We come up with phrases before class, such as, "Feed the tiger", "The Swiss Conspiracy", "Get Back in the Saddle", and "Enter The Dragon." The goal of the game is to speak out in class and slip one of those phrases into whatever you are saying. You must not lose your straight face when you do it.

In my family law class I was able to work "get back in the saddle" into what I was saying. That's probably the easiest of the ones to say. We've agreed that the hardest is "enter the dragon." Anyone that has the cajones to say that, and can do it without losing their straight face, is a master. Quite frankly, I don't think any of us are skilled enough to work "enter the dragon" into an academic discussion on the law.

My computer tells me that 4 weeks from today I will take my last final.
My computer tells me that 5 weeks from today I will graduate.

Viva La Graduation!

aLs

My First Car Crash

Whilst sitting at an intersection this morning my vehicle was rear ended. It happened so fast that I didn't even know what was going on until a few seconds after it all went down. One moment I was skipping to the next song on my Ipod and the next second my Ipod was on the other side of the car and I was leaning on the steering wheel.

I got out of my car to talk to the guy. He didn't want to give me his insurance information. In fact, I had to mention calling the police before he would produce it. Then he wanted my information. I provided it, but I have no idea what he thought he could do with it. Generally, when you rear end a car that isn't moving, you're the one at fault.

My favorite part of the whole thing was when I realized my insurance card has just expired. Mind you, my insurance is totally current, it's just my card that needs to be replaced. I pointed this out to him and he said, "Well that could be a problem for you. If your insurance is expired, then you are 50% liable in [State X]." At the time, I was wearing my law school sweatshirt. I couldn't help myself, I started laughing. Then I pointed to the wording on the sweatshirt and said, "I've been studying the law for three years, and I can tell you, that's the biggest load of shit I've heard in a long time. You must think I'm pretty stupid if you think you can pass something so idiotic on me. Either that, or you must believe it, in which case...." I just let it hang there, implying he's an asshole and a moron.

If my statement to him sounded a little assholey, it was. He was being a dick to me though. He was also smoking a cigarette and letting the ashes fall on my car. It just made me angrier, I told him to "stop being disrespectful to me, and stop disrespecting my car. Do you see me flicking ashes on your van?"

Grrr. If I rear ended someone I would be super nice. The whole time I'd be thinking that if I was nice enough I might be able to cover the damages myself so that my insurance rates didn't go up. Or better yet, maybe the person wouldn't bother with the whole thing.

My back hurts.

aLs

Barbri

The bar study course that most people take is called Barbri. Basically, this is a class that you go to for three hours every day for about six weeks. Sometimes it's a live instructor and sometimes it's a recording. One thing that embittered graduates always say to me is "aLs, law school should be taught like Barbri. Everything made sense. If it could have just been like that, I wouldn't have hated law school so much." Now, don't get the idea that I hated law school. There is no doubt that it has been three of the most stressful years of my life. I've been surrounded by people that, for the most part, I have very little in common with.

However, law school has taken my analytical skills to a level I never could have dreamed of before. I think the state of mind that I have now is the whole "think like an attorney" thing. I suppose Barbri can't teach that. Only three years of mental boot camp can really put someone in that state of mind.

Anyways, I was having a conversation with some of my friends about Barbri. The topic of "what if Barbri opened its own law school" came up. Here's what we concluded.

1. Barbri Law school would only last one year.

2. There wouldn't be any grades at Barbri Law. The only "grade" that Barbri Law would care about is whether or not you pass the bar.

3. Barbri Law would not offer non bar courses. Barbri Law assumes you could learn whatever you wanted about the rest of the law with the extra two years of your life.

4. Barbri Law would not officially recognize the SBA, or any other club. If you want to be in a club, go for it, but Barbri Law has better things to do.

5. Live professors would only be in the classroom once a week. The rest of the lectures would be finely honed video tapes. All lectures would also be available for the Ipod.

6. Barbri Law doesn't give a shit if you come to class or not.

7. Under no circumstances will a student ever be called on in class. If you want to hear uninformed people blather on with their opinions, you're welcome to sit in on a 1L class at any other law school in the country.

8. Barbri law would make absolutely no attempt to educate its students about the history of the law. If it isn't the law now, then it can't get you past a bar exam. That's all that matters.

9. Barbri Law would set up branches in every state and major city in America. Then, Barbri Law would go a few years with free tuition. Eventually, Barbri Law would be your only choice. Barbri Law would then charge $300,000 for a year of instruction.

10. If you fail the bar exam, you can come back to Barbri Law for free as many times as you want.

Alright, my dinner is done.

aLs

Monty Python Star Wars Edit

Memories

I've had a few revelations over the last week. This is the first Spring Break I've had in years where I didn't have some huge paper crushing me. I also realized that this is the last time in my life I'll ever have a real Spring Break. I mean, as far as I know, the courts don't take off a whole week in the middle of March for the fun of it.

My school has a little booklet they hand out to new graduates. It's basically a miniature yearbook. Each graduate gets a page to themselves to talk about their favorite law school memories, their future, and who they would like to thank.

So I've been thinking about my favorite memories. My best friends know that I have a serious problem with nostalgia. If you gave me enough time, I could remember 6 years in a North Vietnamese POW camp as being a pretty good time. That said, I had trouble when it came to thinking of good law school memories. What I eventually ended up with were things that really had nothing to do with law school at all. Video game nights, breakfasts at the local diner, and the run of luck I had in Vegas with my friend Matterhorn. None of these things happened in the classroom. Don't get me wrong, I've had some great professors. It's just, I haven't had any real "life is so awesome right now" moments in class or in anything related to law school. I just think that's a little odd.

Anyways, it's time for me to go pwn some fools on DoW.

aLs