I started thinking about whether or not lies are okay in a relationship. I have come to a simple conclusion.
Not only are they okay, they are absolutely necessary.
Examples of necessary lies:
1. No honey, you don't look fat.
2. No, your brother doesn't disgust me.
3. I'd rather spend quality time with you. I could never enjoy playing the latest video game on my new quad-core ultra death computer when I could be spending time with you..
I'll tell you what got me thinking about lies. A few months ago I went to the movies with a friend of mine. Girl does not like friend, because friend happens to be female and cute. The thing is, I have been having movie nights with friend since I began law school. We are just friends, that's it. It's true, every now and then, a totally platonic relationship can occur between a male and a female.
Girl did not want me to go to the movies with Friend. When I announced what movie I was going to go see with Friend, Girl got even more angry. Girl told me that she wanted to see that particular movie with me and that I needed to pick another one.
aLs is a defiant, stubborn, prick. I don't like being told what to do, not by anyone. I took Friend to see the movie, regardless of Girl's wishes. I felt that her demands were unfair and that I was not required to comply or compromise with something like that.
ALS Does Not Negotiate With Terrorists.
When I came home from that movie I felt a storm building in the vicinity of my apartment. Sure enough Girl showed up. Part of me felt bad for seeing the movie without her. Furthermore, the relationship barometer was dropping (this means argument is rolling in and will be a doozie). However, I figured out how to avert the entire fight.
"The movie was so so babe. I mean, I wouldn't buy it. It was alright, but not something I'd really recommend."
Total Lie. The movie was freaking brilliant.
So we're watching TV today and an advertisement comes on:
"YOU MUST OWN MOVIE! MOVIE COMES OUT ON DVD TODAY! IT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE, GET YOUR DAUGHTER PREGNANT, AND SOLVE THE DEFICIT CRISIS!"
I say, "Babe, I lied you. That movie was awesome. I'm totally going to buy it."
Girl did not react well to that piece of news. Without going into details, she was upset that I had lied. I felt that the lie fell somewhere between "micron lie" and "midget lie." It's bigger than a micron, but not bad enough to bite me in the shins like a midget.
Girl felt that lying in a relationship is wrong no matter what. I felt that an unfair demand creates a lose lose situation for me. I can either give into an unfair demand or I can cover the whole thing with a small lie. While lying might not have been totally right, can you really say it was totally wrong?
Disclaimer: I should say that I almost never talk about Girl on here for a reason. I feel that it is generally wrong to talk about her because she doesn't know about this blog. She has lots of great qualities, but the great qualities don't make for interesting posts. So please be aware that she is usually lots of fun to be around and a rather normal person in all important respects. Furthermore, I tend to post when I'm annoyed.
So was I right or wrong?
I've decided to classify a few lies, so you can see where I believe mine falls.
The micron lie is distinguished by how unimportant the lie actually turns out to be. It is meaningless. Often created on the spot for no apparent reason, the consequences of getting caught in a lie like this should be limited to embarrassment.
The midget lie is slightly larger than the micron lie. A good example would be, "I can't do anything tonight, I'm just wayyyy too busy." (This is said while watching poker on ESPN). What the Midget lie isn't: "I've been to China before." (This lie was told to get a girl's phone number. It worked.)
The BigRig Lie is starting to get up into the major leagues. This is the kind of lie that will have severe consequences if you are caught making it to a significant other. In my case, I never got caught in my China lie. In fact, this is the most common lie I tell to women. I don't know why I am drawn to telling women I have visited China, but I am. I can't help it. Douggernaut has tried to understand this phenomenon, but it only caused him brain pain.
The "Jolly Green Giant Lie." Also known as the "Jolly Green-Giant F*cking Lie Holy Sh*t you've got balls to tell that one!" There isn't much to say about this kind of lie. If you get caught you are going to wind up in divorce court. Hell, you might end up in criminal court. This is the kind of doozie that people talk about for years to come. A good example of this lie in action comes to us from Lt. Lois Einhorn/Ray Finkle from Ace Ventura. "SHE'S A MAN!" Remember, a Jolly Green Giant Lie leads to lots of crying, mouth wash, and burning of old clothing.
What it is not: I, aLs, was the second gunner on the grassy knoll.
The Destroyer of Worlds Lie is so utterly massive that you will probably never come across one in your entire life. We're talking world conspiracy, JFK Assassination, Never landed on the Moon, Gravity was invented by the CIA, type of lie. If you come across one of these, people in black suits will be coming for you soon. You must immediately acquire a hat made out of tinfoil and move to Nebraska. That is your only hope.
Consequences for Destroyer of Worlds Lie: There are none. Nobody is ever caught in one of these. These lies are so utterly massive that they encompass reality. Only a cyborg vampire that has completely removed himself from the Tao can see these lies for what they are. The Destroyer Lie is over the law, above the law, beyond the law.
I should do something productive now.
aLs
